Did you hear this when you were a child, “Don’t do that because you’ll make me mad!”? If so, you might have interpreted this message as a warning to change your behavior so that the other person would not feel a certain way. In other words, your actions make someone feel something. Therefore, others’ actions make you feel something. Blaming others for how you feel might have been one of the ways you learned to communicate and express your feelings.
Maybe you’re wondering, “But what if someone does something that makes me angry?” When someone does something, their actions may or may not affect others the same way that they’ve affected you. Consider this scenario: a person is using their cell phone while having dinner at a dimly lit restaurant. There are two couples on opposite sides of the person. The person’s action doesn’t affect one couple, they are indifferent, but the brightly lit cell phone upsets the other couple because the screen light is affecting their dining experience. The person using their phone is not responsible for how the couples feel because the couples are feeling differently about the situation. Yet, the couples have a right to their feelings about the person’s cell phone use.
If someone says or does something and you have feelings about it, there are a number of reasons why you might choose to blame the person. One reason for blaming them could be because you’re hoping the person will change so your feelings will also change. If this is the case, when you hope and long for someone else to change, you are creating an attachment to this longing that leads to more of your own suffering. And, if the other person feels that you’re blaming them, then it’s possible they will shut down, become defensive, and not be interested in how you feel.
As an empowered communicator, you take responsibility for your feelings. This takes courage and a willingness on your part to change the way you communicate. When you acknowledge, accept and express your feelings to someone, you’re revealing your internal landscape; this puts you in a vulnerable position. You’re vulnerable because your feelings may or may not matter to the other person. You have no idea how they will respond to you.
Why would you tell someone how you feel? By taking responsibility for your feelings, you are saying, “I’m worthy enough to have them, I matter enough to share them, and I’m deeply connected to myself.” When the other person doesn’t feel blamed, then you’re creating an opportunity for them to hear you, to see you, and to understand you.
The next time you have feelings about something that someone says or does, I invite you to acknowledge your feelings, accept them and express them beginning with an “I feel…” statement. For example, you could say, “I was worried when you didn’t return my call,” instead of, “You make me worried when you don’t call me back.” Remember, when the person hears “You make me…”, they could be thinking that they’ve done something wrong and they are responsible for how you feel. The reality is that you don’t know why the person didn’t return your call. The “I feel…” statement is an invitation for a conversation. And, when you say, “I feel…” you are saying, “I’m enough, I matter, and I am connected to my truth.”
© 2018 The Empowered Communicator. Vanessa Alfaro. Communication Coach & Mediator. All Rights Reserved. Website: CodePineHills
