I remember how hard it was for me the first time I told my beloved that I was sorry. I felt powerless, ashamed, and extremely uncomfortable. It seemed I was giving up my power because it was as if I had lost the battle. I felt ashamed because I was admitting that my words and actions affected someone I cared about and loved. I was very uncomfortable because I had tried, throughout my life, to avoid fucking up. Even worse, the person closest to me was hurt.

These feelings weren’t the only thing that made it difficult for me to apologize. I was afraid to apologize. I carried around an old, deep-seated dread that my apology would lead to severe consequences or punishment. Furthermore, in my vulnerability, I feared that my apology would not be accepted.

Over the years, my fears of apologizing have dissolved. Now I understand why it’s important and necessary for me to apologize. Saying that I’m sorry has gone a long way for my relationships, and, ultimately, for myself. When I say or do something hurtful, the healing needed for my relationships to deepen and grow begins with a genuine heartfelt apology. It’s a gift when my beloved, friend, colleague, or family member accepts my apology, and I’m giving myself a gift by saying, “I’m sorry.”

When my words or actions have caused someone pain, there’s an opportunity to understand myself more deeply. Instead of berating myself, I start to get curious and ask: What were my reasons for my actions or words? What did I want? Why? What would it mean to have that? How would I change my behavior or constructively restate what was important to me?

To answer these questions, I drop into my inner experience and compassionately listen, without judgment or opposition, to what my heart is saying. As I reflect and listen, I might also grieve and acknowledge whatever feelings are present. Once I get clear on why I said what I said or did what I did, once I recognize what I need and spend time with my feelings, it’s easier to offer a genuine heartfelt apology.

This genuine heartfelt apology also means that I’m making an effort to restore the relationship. I’m taking a risk and telling the other person, “You matter to me.” This act of humility dissolves the tension that was preventing me from effectively communicating and connecting. I’m also building trust in my relationship when I apologize. I’m letting them know that I’m willing to take responsibility for my behavior, and I’m committed to being with my inner experience for my healing. Through my healing, I hope to offer them some healing with an apology.

Because I have loving and trusting relationships, apologies are now commonplace and easier for me to make. However, you might be wondering what to do if someone doesn’t accept your apology. You don’t have control over a person’s response. I hope you acknowledge the courage it took for you to face your words or actions, and that you did what you could. You’re also taking care of yourself and strengthening your dignity when you take time for self-reflection.

What if you know deep in your heart that you’re sorry, but it’s too risky to tell this person that you’re sorry? Here are a few things that you can still do. You can write an email or letter to this person saying that you reflected and apologize. Then decide if you want to send it. Another possibility is to close your eyes and visualize telling this person that you’re sorry. Say you’re sorry out loud. One more option is to share this experience with a trusted person in your life. Ask them to only listen to you, so they hear what you’re saying.

If you’re thinking about apologizing to someone, but you’re afraid or stuck, I’d love to hear from you. It’s never too late to tell someone you’re sorry.

Be well. Be free.


Become an empowered communicator.