My definition of empathy is an open and honest attempt to feel into the other’s experience. I can feel someone’s sadness, rage, pain, confusion, embarrassment, joy, or excitement because I’ve felt those feelings. I love how Brene Brown said it in her empathy video, “Empathy is a choice. And it’s a vulnerable choice. Because, in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.” However, empathy isn’t just about feelings; it’s also about needs. Empathy is powerful!

Giving someone empathy is powerful because that person experiences, maybe for the first time, being seen, heard, and understood. We all want to be seen, heard, and understood, especially when we’re in conflict. During mediation, I give empathy to those engaged in the conflict by neutrally telling (or asking) them what they might be feeling because of what they might be needing. When my empathy resonates with them, they’re nodding their heads and saying, “Yes,” because I’m affirming their experience. If my empathy doesn’t resonate with them, they begin to explore more deeply what they’re actually feeling and needing. When people start to see, hear, and understand each other, healing takes place, and resolution is underway.

Now, the only way that I can give empathy to others is that I must, first and foremost, give myself empathy. I’m the only expert of my life. I’m the only one who knows what I value, what I need, and what’s important to me. Even though it’s magical when someone else figures it out for me, I can’t expect them to. If I do, this will only lead to suffering. Instead, I’m empowered when I understand and communicate what I value, what I need, and what’s important to me. My self-worth, self-love, and self-trust grow stronger.

I give myself empathy daily, sometimes multiple times a day, depending on how my life is unfolding, and especially when I’m triggered. To give myself empathy, I use this simple format developed by Marshall Rosenberg,

“I’m (feelings) because I need (needs).”

Here are some examples:

“I’m agitated because I need space.”

“I’m angry because I need collaboration.”

“I’m sad because I need connection.”

“I’m confused because I need clear communcation.”

When I was first introduced to this format, even though I knew how to talk about my feelings, I was struck by how unaware I was of my needs. Needs are my life-serving values. This way of expressing myself was new and refreshing, and it led to healing, deeper self-connection, and clearer communication. By acknowledging and owning both my feelings and needs, I started to understand myself more deeply while taking full responsibility for my experience which helped reduce the intensity of my internal and external conflicts.

Give yourself empathy every day for two weeks, in the morning when you wake up and right before bed. See what emerges. Here is a link to free Nonviolent Communication resources from GROK the World. At the bottom of the page, you can download free lists of feelings and needs. As you look through the sheets, a miracle happens. Once you see the word, you’ll know what you’re feeling and needing. And, you can give yourself empathy whenever you want, not just when you’re triggered. You could say, “I’m happy because I needed to relax and play.”

The more empathy you give to yourself, the better your ability will be to give empathy to others.

Be well. Be free.


Become an empowered communicator.