Working Through Conflict

Anger, Communication, Communication Coach, Conflict, Courage, Difficult Conversation, Empowered Communication, Feelings, Mediation, Needs, Power, Rage, Speak My Truth, Speak Your Truth, Vulnerability

Oxford University Press defines conflict as “a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.”  The definition doesn’t seem so charged as the word itself, conflict.  Even though conflict is a part of life, many of us want to avoid it at all costs because “a serious disagreement or argument” might lead to something worse: hurt feelings, disconnection, a shouting match, verbal abuse, physical abuse, or war.

We might also avoid conflict because we don’t know how to engage in it.  We were never taught in school or at home how to be with and work through conflict.  Not only that, conflict scares us because we might lose something.  There’s often risk associated with saying what’s important.  We might be judged or disliked, lose a job, lose a relationship, or the unimaginable, lose our lives.

Despite all of this, when called for, it’s crucial to have “a serious disagreement or argument,” by which I mean to have an uncomfortable, difficult conversation that comes from speaking your truth and speaking from your heart because what you have to say matters.  Because you’re sick of being silent, holding back, swallowing your words, ignoring something out of fear.  Because you want to be seen, heard, and understood.  Because you want respectful and fair treatment.  Because you want ease and peace.  Because you want to improve the quality of your life.

The rewards for having an uncomfortable, difficult conversation are invaluable.  Working through conflict can create understanding, deepen an intimate relationship, or make a working relationship better.  It can generate much-needed change either at home, at work, in your neighborhood, community, or society.

What does it take to work through conflict?  Over the years, having engaged in difficult conversations at home, work, and mediating conflict for others, I believe you have to be willing to:

• Create a space with rules, agreements, or guidelines, that allow you and the other person to constructively and restoratively engage
• Be vulnerable by saying how you feel, what you value, what you need, and what’s important to you
• Be present with all the feelings that emerge in yourself or in the other person
• Let anger be present (If you can’t speak because you’re too angry or full of rage, then take care of yourself.  Find a way to work through the anger that you’re feeling and come back.  This in itself can be a rich process of self-discovery.)
• Let your guard and defenses down
• See the other person’s perspective
• Listen and hear what the other person is saying
• Release the power struggle
• Own your part or acknowledge your mistake
• Apologize (As long as the apology is sincere and genuine.)
• Let go of projections, assumptions, stories, and prejudices that you have about the person
• Hear the impact that your words or actions had on someone
• Get clear on unspoken and unconscious expectations
• Ask a mediator to help you and the other person work through conflict

You’re experiencing life to its fullest when you can constructively and restoratively engage in a difficult conversation because you’re embracing what’s uncomfortable in order to get to a place that you want.  Imagine the effect that this could have in your home, the organization for which you work, and beyond.  If there is a part of you that’s unwilling to engage in a difficult conversation, and this is normal, then it’s worthwhile to explore this by asking yourself what you need.

As the end of the year approaches, don’t waste any more time.  Life is too precious and short.  I’m encouraging you to finally have that overdue, uncomfortable, difficult conversation so that you can start to create the change that you want for yourself.  If you need help having the difficult conversation, then reach out to me.  By speaking your truth and speaking from your heart, you open yourself to living at your fullest.