I was having dinner alone at the counter in a restaurant. As I was enjoying my meal, a woman leaned over and asked me, “Are you going to eat all that food?” I paused for a moment and said, “I don’t know.”
I don’t remember the first feeling that came up for me after my response. I vividly recall feeling puzzled, confused, and embarrassed. I began to ruminate. I knew her question had an impact on me because the stories that I was telling myself were loud and clear. She was sitting next to an extremely thin young woman who I guessed was her daughter. I thought maybe the woman who asked me the question had issues with food and was judging me for the amount of food that was in front of me.
I started an internal dialogue trying to figure out her reason for asking me that question, making projections about her, and began to get myself emotionally worked up by creating defensive and bitter feelings. I noticed what was physically happening to my body: clenched jaw, shoulders tight, and shallow breathing. I was aware of what I was doing. The truth was I didn’t know why she asked me that question. I wanted to find out so that my wandering thoughts would not distract me from enjoying my dinner.
Before asking her, why, I needed to get clear on my intention. Was I feeling defensive? Did I need to confirm my stories and projections? Or, did I want to know because I had a feeling that she was actually curious about something? After exploring my intention, I discovered that I was genuinely curious. I thought that, given her tone and facial expression when she asked me her question, she probably was asking for something else.
Now I was ready to ask her a question. It was important for me to ask my question from an open place. I took a deep, quiet breath into my belly to ground and center myself. I then brought awareness to the tone of my voice and to my body language.
Once I was ready, I leaned over and said, “Excuse me, I was wondering why you asked me if I was going to eat all of this food?”
She gasped and said, “Oh, did I offend you?”
“No, but I didn’t know what to make of it. Did you want to try some?”
“No. No. I was just trying to strike up a conversation.”
“Oh, okay.”
A little later, she tapped me on the shoulder and asked, “What would have been a better question?”
I said, “I think a more inviting question would have been, ‘What dishes did you order?'”
She thought this was helpful, and thanked me. We started to talk. It turned out that beneath her question was her need for connection. She loved going to restaurants and engaging with people. I ended up enjoying talking to her. I appreciated how kind and open she was and how willing she was to engage in meaningful dialogue. As she was leaving, we shared a heartfelt goodbye.
After she asked me that initial question, I could have said nothing. I could have stewed silently, stayed defensive, in my stories, with my questions, or complained about the experience to others. Even though her question triggered me, as an empowered communicator I had an opportunity to speak my truth. I also knew I had to speak my truth to stop engaging with my time-consuming, unproductive internal dialogue that was beginning to affect my experience. Because I chose to speak my truth and made a conscious decision to be curious about her, I ended up enjoying the rest of my dinner and felt connected to a woman who wanted connection.
© 2018 The Empowered Communicator. Vanessa Alfaro. Communication Coach & Mediator. All Rights Reserved. Website: CodePineHills
