My brother and I have a solid and close relationship. We can talk about a lot of things. In the past, however, having a difficult conversation was tricky for us because it would quickly turn into an argument. Before we knew it, we would interrupt each other, yell, and struggle over who had power. We would both end up feeling hurt, sad, angry, and upset. With time, we would always heal and resolve what had happened between us. But, I would then avoid certain conversations because I didn’t know how to peacefully work through something difficult with him.
I once had a weekend visit with him and left the visit feeling concerned and worried about him. I went back and forth wondering if it was even worth it for me to bring it up with him because I was afraid that we would get into an argument. I could have said nothing about the visit, but I knew that withholding my experience from him would likely fester inside of my body and possibly later get expressed in a way that might lead to misunderstanding and disconnection.
Eventually, I decided to talk to him for several reasons. It was important to me and to our relationship to have this conversation. It was important for me to be in my truth, to acknowledge my experience, and to take it a step further by expressing myself. However, given our history, I also knew that I had to take a different approach this time.
The first thing I did was talk to someone who I trusted and whose feedback I valued. This conversation helped me to be with my feelings and to get clear on my intention. I then wrote about what I wanted to say to my brother and why I wanted to say it. I also thought about how I wanted to express myself to him. When I felt ready, I asked my brother if he would be willing to talk to me and to listen to my concerns. With hesitation, he agreed. We also agreed that we didn’t want to argue. We didn’t talk right then and there; instead, we scheduled another day and time.
On the day of the call, I told him my intention: I loved him, cared about him, and was on his side. I then told him about what had happened during the visit and its impact on me. Even though I chose my words carefully, I was bracing myself for his reaction, but I was willing to stay open to him, to hear him, to have compassion for him, and to give him empathy throughout the process. I also made sure to use my breath for grounding and centering while bringing awareness to my tone and words.
While the conversation was difficult, we both hung in there, asking each other questions, repeating what we heard, listening to each other, clarifying our assumptions, and being respectful, which included not interrupting and talking over each other. After some time, we finally came to an understanding. I felt understood by him, and I ended up learning something about him that touched my heart. Instead of ending our conversation in an argument, we ended the conversation by telling each other that we loved one another. I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome.
Because I was willing to change my approach in bringing up something difficult, not only did we end on a peaceful note, we formed a deeper understanding of one another. I felt clear and at peace knowing that I did something loving and meaningful for both myself and my brother. Choosing to stay in my truth with him was worth it for our relationship.
If you’re wanting to talk to a family member about something that is important to you, but you’re afraid to, I’d love to hear from you and support you through this process.
© 2018 The Empowered Communicator. Vanessa Alfaro. Communication Coach & Mediator. All Rights Reserved. Website: CodePineHills
