As a child, were you quiet or shy? Did others tell you that you should speak up more? Would you rather keep your thoughts to yourself than express them? Did you prefer to go unnoticed but secretly longed for attention? Perhaps you chose silence, whether conscious or not, because it was safe. Being silent was a matter of survival.
Unfortunately, when we don’t speak, we get sick. After their hospitalizations, Dr. Neha Sangwan asked her patients specific questions that had them think about what led them to their health issues. When they realized that there was an unresolved issue with one of their relationships, and then decided to talk about it, their health improved!
In my childhood, my silence was a matter of survival. But later, as an adult, it came at a cost.
My grandmother was the matriarch, and she raised me. She worked non-stop all day, every day. She wasn’t a woman given to conversation. Most of what I heard from her had to do with getting things done in the moment. I never asked her (and she never asked me) about anything – her past, her life experiences, her needs, her thoughts, her pain, her dreams, and her hopes.
During the day, she would take a break, silently eating a banana with a glass of milk. I would watch her. Given her expression, I was curious about what was going on for her. Even though I wanted to ask, I knew not to because we didn’t talk to each other about our feelings, what we were thinking, or what was troubling us. For as long as I could remember, health issues consumed her. She died at 63.
The lack of communication with my grandmother (and the other adults in my life) reinforced my unconscious choice to be silent. I made myself small so that I would not be seen or heard. It was safer for me to be silent, which served me well. It helped me survive. However, my silence manifested as depression.
When I was a young adult, I knew my trauma needed healing. I started therapy, which was incredibly powerful because I was able to make peace with my past. I also learned how to be in a healthy relationship with another person. Though, as time went on, I was puzzled that I continued to feel depressed. I couldn’t find relief, and I wasn’t aware of what I needed to end the depression.
As my life unfolded, I eventually ended therapy around the same time that I met a Zen Buddhist priest and joined a meditation group that she was leading. She taught us how to meditate. When I started to sit, to be still, and to bring my awareness to my breath while noticing my thoughts, my self-awareness deepened. I began to understand what it meant to be in relationship to myself.
Meditating became part of my life. While I was teaching, I meditated every day after school. Multiple interactions filled my days. Some I paid attention to, and some I ignored having neither the time nor the space to address the nuances of what happened. However, the ones that I ignored (and that unconsciously impacted me) would repeatedly show up in my thoughts which meant that I was clinging to someone’s words or actions. I didn’t want to hold on to what happened. To release the experience from my mind and body, I chose to speak instead of to be silent.
Every time I engaged in a constructive conversation, the weight of the interaction that I was unconsciously carrying disappeared and my clinging ended. As I developed a relationship with myself through meditation and started to speak up about my experiences, my depression ended. The power of finding my voice and expressing myself changed my life.
No longer do I stay silent. When I’m engaged in a conversation, I don’t just listen and wait for someone to ask me what I think, I’ll go ahead and share my thoughts, opinions, and experiences. When I’m triggered, I speak up. I address conflict. I engage in difficult conversations so that I can release anything that I might be holding. Communicating quiets my mind and ends my ruminations. Communicating relieves my suffering so that I can create more spaciousness within myself, open my heart, and redirect my energy to serve not only me but those around me.
I’m here to help those who have found themselves in silence, unable to feel and express what’s important to them because they have learned to self-silence for the sake of their survival. If you know that your silence once served you but is now coming at a cost to your health and well-being, I invite you to reach out to me for support and healing. I will coach you to find your voice, to communicate from an empowered place, and to end the burden of your silence.
© 2018 The Empowered Communicator. Vanessa Alfaro. Communication Coach & Mediator. All Rights Reserved. Website: CodePineHills
