What Happens When You Say “Yes” but Mean “No”?

Imagine this…

Someone asks you for something, and you immediately know your answer: no. You say no without explanation, guilt, or worry. How liberating would it be to cleanly, unapologetically say no?

Yet, it might be difficult for you to say no. You might go to great lengths to explain why you can’t or won’t do something without ever uttering the word no. Why is it so hard to say no?

When you were a child, did you repeatedly hear no from the adults around you? If you did, maybe you pushed back, but in the end, you had to follow orders and stop what you were doing, saying, or how you were behaving because your survival and life depended on it.

Sometimes the no you heard from adults was to keep you safe from hurting yourself or others. Other times that no was to stop you from expressing yourself a certain way or behaving a certain way, such as having a tantrum or not wanting to share. Whatever the reason for the no, you had to do something different and say yes to what they wanted you to do. You carried this pattern into adulthood—saying yes to what someone wants from you even when your answer is no.

It’s hard to say no because you don’t want to let the other person down, disappoint them, or hurt their feelings. You don’t want to get in trouble, lose your job, friendship, or relationship. You’re afraid of starting an argument, or it’s too risky and vulnerable to say no. The list goes on. The stakes are high because there might be severe consequences, and you might lose something by saying no.

Instead of risking or losing something by saying no, what if you gained something? What if your no means saying yes to your needs, wants, and what matters to you? What if no means that you’re setting a boundary to get more time to rest, take care of yourself, enjoy your day, or create more space in your day? What if no means no because that’s what your body and heart are telling you?

Unfortunately, when you do something that you don’t want to do, i.e., when you say yes, but you mean no, you betray and break trust within yourself. And when you don’t listen to your no, resentment and anger build up.

It’s essential to listen to your inner wisdom and inner voice, so you begin to rebuild trust in yourself and ease the grip on the resentment and anger that’s growing. When you trust yourself, then you’re capable of dealing with whatever comes your way. When you’re sincere and clear about your no, the other person will hear and feel your sincerity and clarity. It’s also up to you whether you want to explain why your answer is no. But you also don’t have to explain (this, too, is an old childhood pattern).

You might be wondering, well, I can’t say no to my boss. I can’t say no to my kids. I can’t say no to my spouse. The truth is that you can say no because you have a choice. If you believe that you don’t have a choice to say no, get curious and ask, “Why can’t I say no? What am I afraid of?” Whatever answers you hear, remember that it’s your right to say no.

If your no isn’t well-received, then trust that whatever arises, you have the internal resources to find a solution and deal with the outcome. Start slowly. Tell your friend, family member, or partner that you are learning how to take care of yourself and you’re going to start saying no without explanation. You can start with, “For reasons that I won’t go into, no.” Ask for their support. See how it goes. You might feel relief, assurance, pride, and liberation when you start to say no because you mean no.

Be well. Be free.

What Happens When You Say “Yes” but Mean “No”?

Become an empowered communicator.